Tinder, Match.com, Plenty of Fish, J Date, GlutenFreeSingles (I swear this one exists), FarmAnimalsandCottageCheeseSlobs.com (ok, I made this one up but maybe with enough interest it will be our next venture)...with all of these lovely ways to meet other singles with similar interests or similar Celiac Diseases (the key to a happy relationship if you ask me), it's important to make sure you are armed with the proper tool box for dating and surviving in this sea of terribleness. Thankfully for you, I've put together a list of what I think you need to survive. Enjoy!
1. Good Insurance This is the key to surviving dating in 2016. If you've had to go on even 1/100th of the dates that I have and dealt with even an inkling of bat-sh*t crazy I have, you understand the importance of a good shrink or psychiatrist. Dr. Phil and Oprah are great, but they can't keep up with every situation. It's like the old poets used to say:
"If thou looketh and seeks for a mate,
Thou might chooseth the path of a date.
But if thou does and pays no shrink's rate,
Thou will find sadness, 3 gallons of ice cream, and a pound of cookie dough as thines fate."
2. Strong Evacuation Plans
A good shrink can only help you if you can escape the date. I recommend taking the following steps for inspiration on creating your escape plans from your dates.
- Watch every prison movie ever invented. All of them. If it involves Sean Connery, even better. Those dudes lived to escape and I guarantee their tactics to escape Alcatraz would be sufficient to escape through the bathroom of an AppleBees.
- Watch Disney's Madagascar. THEY ESCAPED TO FRIGGIN AFRICA! AND THEY'RE FRIGGIN ANIMALS! You probably don't have to escape to a separate continent to get away from your date, unless it's a date with my ex-wife!
Ok fine, I was never married but I just hear a lot of old people make that joke and I felt left out.
- Study up on rapid onset medical conditions. Basically, anything that can come on "all of a sudden". The grosser and more graphic, the better. Does it have to be real? Of course not. I still have a girl checking up on me about my Irritable Thyroid Clamp Malfunction. Bless her heart.
3. A Great Personal Trainer
This has nothing to do with looking good. You shouldn't be working out for aesthetics anyways, strictly for survival purposes. Have your trainer set up mock restaurant obstacle courses and time your escapes. Until you can successfully hurdle a full-sized chocolate fondue set, you are not ready to date.
4. An Early Round Investment in Facebook or a Successful Career as a Fortune 500 CEO or the Last Name Rockefeller
NO! You actually don't need gobs of money anymore to look like a creative, cultured, and all-around awesome boss on your dates. That's where Plug In Vegas comes in! (You really didn't think I'd get through this entire post without plugging our awesome service now did you?). In all seriousness though, this was one of the main reasons for creating Plug In Vegas. If you're a member of Plug In, you can literally take a date to a show or event every night and pay nothing for your tickets. Worried they'll think you're a coupon clipper or a cheapo? No fear. You pick up your tickets at the same spot as all of the other paying guests and there are no big signs or alarms that go off that scream that you got your tickets for free. The venues want discretion here too so rest assured, you will just look like a baller taking your date to an event or a show. $10 bucks a month, unlimited torture...I mean dates!
Get joined up now and at least save some money on your masoch...dating 🙂
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