5. Synchronized Racism


This was a real kraut favorite when it was originally suggested in the early 1900s but was quickly squashed by the commission until Germany put it back in the mix reich before the early 1940s.

Favorite to Win: The US has a stranglehold on this event according to experts although in preliminary events, experts did Nazi the Germans perform so it's difficult to gauge their level of intolerability.

4. Resisting Arrest - Individual Medley


Individuals compete in a myriad of arrest situations, culminating in the main event, "being an ignorant and insensitive asshole who likes to make a cop's job difficult for no reason except to maybe become YouTube famous, I mean for their rights". Most don't know it but in the 1960's Resisting Arrest was just a few votes away from making it on as an official Olympic event. Training for this event has gotten too dangerous though in recent years as too many amateurs have flocked to the sport and they are getting too injured by words and entitlement bruising.

Favorite to Win: US lock.

3. Downhill Adulting (Winter Games Only)

(Yes, this is actually me as a young boy getting ready for Little League Adulting Practice)

31 years old and think you can't be an Olympic athlete? False. You're the prime candidate for downhill adulting (occasionally referred to as downward spiraling/my life). This is a fairly new event on the scene although adults have been struggling to prove their adultness for years with minimal success. It is probably of note that this is by and far the most challenging event on the list and was actually rejected because of its difficulty.

Favorite to Win: Me.

2. Canis lupus Degradation (Dog Shaming)


Slated to be an official event in 2020, dog shaming has grown in popularity over the years as trainers have begun exposing the corrupt underworld of "bad doggies". Fans and athletes are excited though to finally be able to determine, who is a good boy.

Favorite to Win: This one goes to the Bahamas. A country most famous for the Baha Men who single-handedly raised awareness of the parties responsible for letting the dogs out.

1. Talking About Crossfit


The number 1 rule of Crossfit is you ALWAYS talk about crossfit. "Athletes" from around the world have been training for years for the coveted prize of losing all of their friends. Just as gym visits don't count towards your daily caloric burn if you don't check in on Facebook, Crossfit is highly ineffective unless discussed an average of 26 hours a day. Few actually know that Crossfit actually made it onto the list of approved Olympic sports in 2004 but was quickly released when it was discovered that it was just "exercising."

Favorite to Win: Not the fans.

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